Thanks to Kelly
Green for diligently typing away and sending quotes!
Al: Harvey, look at you, you're huge! What happened? Were you
sitting by the microwave just now? Oh no, what have I done? I've
turned you into a grotesque, radioactive mutant! Good enchilada,
Long nailed man: Presenting the President of the Guiness Book of
World Records, Sir Alec.
(Sir Alec walks in.)
Al: Oh man, what an honor. Oh Sir Alec, I'm such a big fan of yours.
I've got all your books.
(Al kneels on one knee in front of Sir Alec.)
Sir Alec: You may stand. Uh, on one leg please. Now this hamster,
he is yours?
Sir Alec: A simple yes or no will do.
(Al gets a confused look on his face.)
Sir Alec: Well, he certainly is a very large animal.
(Long nailed man pulls a tape measure from his pocket.)
Sir Alec: No, no, no need for that. Let's just eyeball him.
(Sir Alec holds an eyeball out to inspect Harvey.)
Male Reporter: There he is! Harvey, do you have an agent?
Female Reporter: Do you have a book deal?
Male Reporter: Do you hang out with the Incredible Hulk?
Female Reporter: Do you plan to change your name to an unprenouncable
Male Reporter: Do you ... smell somethin' funny?
Girls (screaming): Harvey! Harvey! Harvey! Harvey! Harvey!
Al: STOP! Uh, uh, shows over! Uh, Harvey needs his rest! Thanks for
coming. Goodbye, goodbye!
Al: Oh, what's so great about a world record anyway? It just means
that your the ... best in the world, and no one can take that away
from you, which must bring a tremendous amount of satisfaction, and
self-worth. Well, as my great grandaddy, Blind Lemon Yankovic, always
told me, "Alfie," he said, "if you need to be distracted from your
wretched, meaningless existence, why not turn on the TV?"
Woman on TV: But what if the roof gets a hole in it?
Pirate Guy: We'll repair it. That way, you can keep the roof over your
All Pirates: Pirate Roofing, we're Number ONE!
Siskel: Well, I loved this movie. This is easily one of the best
films of the year!
Ebert: I agree. Nothing else even comes close! When a film is clearly
the best, it has a way of making everything else that's not the best
seem, well, pathetic.
Siskel: I know, and you find yourself scratching your head, thinking
what were those other movies, who were those characters, what were the
titles? Who knows?
Ebert: And who cares. Throw them in the garbage, and move on.
Alien: Citizens of Earth, we are Zargdenots froom the planet Sargo
7. We want all the humans on this planet, who are the very best at
something, to come help us start a new, super advanced civilization.
Everyone else, do...whatever.
Al: I still think it would be really cool to have a world record,
but I don't know, I just don't think it's for me, all that sacrifice.
I mean, how could I give up breaking plates on my head? Or
squirting sumo wrestlers with mustard? Or doing the boneless boy
dance? Give all that up? No way! I love my life!