The Unofficial Weird Al Show Home Page
Songs

The lyrics of all the songs that Al sang on"The Weird Al Show" are available here.


Episode #3601: He Ain't Heavy, He's My Hamster

Harvey the Wonder Hamster

Oh, Harvey, Harvey, Harvey the Wonder Hamster.
He doesn't bite and he doesn't squeal,
He just runs around on his hamster wheel.
Harvey, Harvey, Harvey the Wonder Hamster.
Hey, Harvey!

Livin' in the Fridge

There's somethin' weird in the fridge today
I don't know what it is
Food I can't recognize
My roommate won't throw a thing away
I guess it's probably his
It looks like it's alive...

And livin' in the fridge... livin' in the fridge
Livin' in the fridge... livin' in the fridge

There's somethin' gross in the fridge today
It's green and growin' hair
It's been there since July
If you can name the object
In that baggie over there
Then mister, you're a better man than I

It's livin' in the fridge
You can't stop the mold from growin'
Livin' in the fridge
Can't tell what it is at all
Livin' in the fridge
You can't stop the mold from growin'
Livin' in the fridge

Tell me, do you think it should be carbon-dated
Fumigated or cremated and buried at sea?
You try to save a little bit of your home cookin'
Couple weeks later, got a scary-lookin' specimen
It always happens, my friend
Again and again and again and again

Somethin' stinks in the fridge today
And it's been rottin' there all week
It could be liver cake or woolly mammoth steak
Well, maybe I should take another peak...

Livin' in the fridge
You can't stop the mold from growin'
Livin' in the fridge
Can't tell what it is at all
Livin' in the fridge
You can't stop the mold from growin'
Livin' in the fridge
Livin' in the fridge
Don't know what it is, don't know what it is
Livin' in the fridge
Don't know what it is, don't know what it is
Livin' in the fridge
Don't know what it is at all
Livin' in the fridge, yeah
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

Fat

(Now) Your butt is wide, well mine is too.
(Now) Just watch your mouth, or I'll sit on you.
(Now) The word is out, better treat me right,
(Now) Cause I'm the king of cellulite.
Ham on (now) ham on ham on whole wheat, (now) all right.

(Now) My zippers bust, my buckles break.
(Now) I'm too much man for you to take.
(Now) The pavement cracks when I fall down.
(Now) I've got more chins than Chinatown. (now)

Well I've never used a phone booth,
And I've never seen my toes. (now)
When I'm goin' to the movies
I take up seven rows.

Because I'm fat, I'm fat--come on.
(Fat fat--really really fat)

You know I'm fat, I'm fat--you know it.
(Fat fat--really really fat)

You know I'm fat, I'm fat--come on you know.
(Fat fat--really really fat)

Don'tcha call me pudgy, portly or stout.
Just tell me once again: Who's fat?

Huha huha huha huha huha

(Now) When I walk out to get my mail,
(Now) It measures on the Richter scale.
(Now) Down at the beach I'm a lucky man.
(Now) I'm the only one who gets a tan.
(Now) If I have one more pie a la mode
(Now) I'm gonna need my own zip code.

(Now) When you're only having seconds,
(Now) I'll be having twenty-thirds.
(Now) When I go to get my shoes shined,
I gotta take their word.

Because I'm fat, I'm fat--come on.
(Fat fat--really really fat)

You know I'm fat, I'm fat--you know it.
(Fat fat--really really fat)

You know I'm fat, I'm fat--you know it you know.
(Fat fat--really really fat)

And my shadow weighs forty-two pounds.
Lemme tell you once again who's fat.

(Now) If you see me comin' your way,
(Now) Better give me plenty space.
(Now) If I tell you that I'm hungry,
Then won't you feed my face.

Because I'm fat, I'm fat--come on.
(Fat fat--really really fat)

You know I'm fat, I'm fat--you know it.
(Fat fat--really really fat)

You know I'm fat, I'm fat--you know it you know.
(Fat fat--really really fat)

Woo woo woo. (When I sit around the house,
I really sit around the house).

You know I'm fat, I'm fat--come on.
(Fat fat--really really fat)
You know I'm fat, I'm fat--you know it, you know it.
(Fat fat--really really fat)
You know you know you know--come on.
(Fat fat--really really fat)
And you know all by myself I'm a crowd.
Lemme tell you once again.

You know I'm huge, I'm fat, you know it.
(Fat fat--really really fat)
You know I'm fat--you know, hoo.
(Fat fat--really really fat)
You know I'm fat, I'm fat--you know it, you know.
(Fat fat--really really fat)
And the whole world knows I'm fat and I'm proud.
Just tell me once again--who's fat?


Episode #3602: Mining Accident

Harvey the Wonder Hamster

Oh, Harvey, Harvey, Harvey the Wonder Hamster.
He doesn't bite and he doesn't squeal,
He just runs around on his hamster wheel.
Harvey, Harvey, Harvey the Wonder Hamster.
Hey, Harvey!

Cheese

Cheese is good; cheese is nice
In a spread or by the slice.
Cheese for me; cheese for you,
Rats love cheese, and hamsters, too.
Cheese, cheese, cheese!

Like a Surgeon

I finally made it through Med. school.
Somehow I made it through-hoo.
I'm just an intern, I still make a mistake or two.

I was last in the class,
Barely passed at the Institute.
Now I'm tryin' to avoid
Yeah, I'm tryin' to avoid
A malpractice suit.

Hey, like a surgeon,
Cuttin' for the very first time.
Like a surgeon,
Organ transplants are my line.

Better give me all your gauze, nurse,
This patient's fading fast.
Complications have set in,
Don't know how long he'll last.

Let me see that I.V.
Here we go, time to operate.
I'll pull his insides out.
Pull his insides out,
And see what he ate.

Like a surgeon, hey!
Cuttin' for the very first time.
Like a surgeon,
Here's a waiver for you to si-gn.
Wo-ho. Wo-ho. Wo-ho

It's a fact. I'm a quack.
The disgrace of the A.M.A.
'Cause my patients die.
Yeah, my patients die
Before they can pay.

Like a surgeon, hey!
Cuttin' for the very first time.
Like a surgeon.
Got your kidneys on my mind.
Like a surgeon, ooh hoo, like a surgeon,
When I reach inside
With my scalpel, and my forcepts, and retractors.
Oh ho-oh. Oh ho-ho-oh. Ooh, baby,
Yeah, I can hear your heart beat
For the very last time.


Episode #3603: Bad Influence

Harvey the Wonder Hamster

Oh, Harvey, Harvey, Harvey the Wonder Hamster.
He doesn't bite and he doesn't squeal,
He just runs around on his hamster wheel.
Harvey, Harvey, Harvey the Wonder Hamster.
Hey, Harvey!

Water Is Wet

Water is wet; oh, water is wet.
How much wetter could water get?
Not any wetter at all, I bet!
Oh, water is wet.

Yes! Water is wet.
Wetter than an onion or a Chia Pet.
It's the very wettest thing that I've seen yet.
Oh, water, water, water, water, water, water, water, water, water, water, water, water...


Episode #3604: Promises, Promises

I Like You

Oh, I like you. Yes I do.
And I know you like me, too.
You're my friend when I feel blue.
Oh, I like you.

Oh, I really, really, really, really like you.
Yes, I really, really, really, really like you.
Oh, I really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really like you.

Bad Haircut - Firestarter Parody

I'm so angry at my idiotic barber.
Think I'll stay in here til it grows out a little.
Got a lousy haircut, a really stupid haircut!
What a silly haircut! I can't believe this haircut!

Gump

Gump sat alone on a bench in the park
"My name is Forrest," he'd casually remark
Waitin' for the bus with his hands in his pockets
He just kept sayin' life is like a box of chocolates

He's Gump, He's Gump
What's in his head?
He's Gump, He's Gump, He's Gump
Is he in-bred?

Gump was a big celebrity
He told JFK that he really had to pee
He never feels too dumb because
His mom always told him stupid is as stupid does

He's Gump, He's Gump
He's kinda square
He's Gump, He's Gump, He's Gump
What's with that hair?

Run... run... run, run, now Forrest
Run... run... run, like the wind now
Run... run... run, run, now Forrest
Run... stop!

His buddy Bubba was a shrimp-lovin' man
His friend with no legs he called Lieutenant Dan
His girlfriend Jenny was kind of a slut
He went to the White House, showed LBJ his butt

He's Gump, He's Gump
He's not too bright
He's Gump, He's Gump, He's Gump
But he's all right

Is this Gump out of his head?
I think so
Is this Gump really brain-dead?
I think so
Did this Gump make lots of bread?
I think so
And that's all I have to say about that


Episode #3605: Back to School

Lasagna

La-la-la-la-lasagna.
You want-a some-a lasagna, magnifico,
Or a-maybe spaghetti!
Ay, you supper's a-ready now, where you go?
Mama mia bambino!
Mama mia bambino, 'samatta you?
'Samatta you, 'samatta you?

You should-a taste my lasagna.
Ay, you no like-a lasagna,
That's okay too.
How about-a calzone?
Some-a nice minestrone, atsa good for you.
Have-a some marinara.
Have-a some marinara, I know you like.
I know you like, I know you like.

La-lasagna! La-lasagna! La-lasagna!

Would you like some-a zucchini?
Or-a my homemade linguini, it's hard to beat.
Have-a more fettucini.
Ay, you getting too skeeny, you gotta to eat.
Ay, mange, mange!

<gargle>

Ay, you-a pass the lasagna!
A-don't you get any on ya, you sloppy peeg.
Have-a more ravioli.
You-a get roly poly, a-nice and-a beeg.
Like you cousin Luigi.
Luigi, Luigi, capisce paisan?
Capisce paisan, capisce paisan?

La-lasagna! La-lasagna! La-lasagna! La-lasagna!

Hey! Hey!

Camp Superfun

Camp Superfun is fun, fun, fun.
Camp Superfun is fun, fun, fun.
Fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun.
Camp is fun when it's super fun.
Oooo-ooooo, fun.
Oooo-ooooo, super fun.
Fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun.
Camp is fun, Camp Superfun.
Super fun.

Dare to Be Stupid

Put down that chain saw and listen to me
Its time for us to join in the fight.
Its time to let your babies grow up to be cowboys
Its time to let the bedbugs bite.

You'd better put all your eggs in one basket
You'd better count your chickens before they hatch.
You'd better sell some wine before its time
You'd better find yourself an itch to scratch.

You'd better squeeze all the Charmin you can
While Mr. Whipple's not around.
Stick your head in the microwave and get yourself a tan.

Talk with your mouth full
Bite the hand that feeds you
Bite off more then you can chew
What can you do? Dare to be stupid!

Take some wooden nickels,
Look for Mr. Goodbar,
Get your mojo working now,
I'll show you how you can dare to be stupid!

You can turn the other cheek,
You can just give up the ship,
You can eat a bunch of sushi then forget to leave a tip.
(Dare to be stupid!) Come on and dare to be stupid,

It's so easy to do, dare to be stupid!
We're all waiting for you. Let's go!

It's time to make a mountain out of a molehill
So can I have a volunteer?
There's no more time for crying over spilled milk,
Now it's time for crying in your beer.

Settle down with a family. Join the PTA.
Buy some sensible shoes and a Cheverolet.
Then party till you drop and they drag you away.
It's OK. You can dare to be stupid!

It's like spinning on a fish.
It's like barking up a tree.
It's like I say, you gotta buy one if you wanna get one free.

Dare to be stupid! (yes) Why don't you dare to be stupid?
It's so easy to do. Dare to be stupid.
We're all waiting for you. Dare to be stupid.

Burn your candles at both ends.
Look a gift horse in the mouth.
Mashed potatoes can be your friends.

You can be a coffee achiever.
You can sit around the house and watch "Leave it to Beaver".
The future's up to you, so what'choo gonna do?
Dare to be stupid! Dare to be stupid!

What did i say? (Dare to be stupid)
Tell me what did I say? (Dare to be stupid)
It's alright (Dare to be stupid)
We can be stupid all night (Dare to be stupid)

Come on, join in the crowd (Dare to be stupid)
Shout it out loud (Dare to be stupid)
I can't hear you (Dare to be stupid)
OK, I can hear you now (Dare to be stupid)

Let's go!

Dare to be stupid (Dare to be stupid)
Dare to be stupid (Dare to be stupid)
Dare to be stupid (Dare to be stupid)
Dare to be stupid (Dare to be stupid)


Episode #3606: One for the Record Books

Al sang no songs for this episode


Episode #3607: Because I Said So

Al's Mailbag

Letters. I get letters.
So many letters. A whole bunch of letters.
I'd even read mail from a cow.
It's time for Al's Mailbag now.
It's the Al's Mailbag theme song!

There's Someone at the Door/Open the Door

There's someone at the door. There's someone at the door.
There's someone at the door; please, don't make me sing anymore.
Can't you see that there's someone at the door?

Gotta open the door.
Gotta open the door.
Gotta open the door.
Gotta open the door.
Gotta open the door.

I can't! I can't! I just can't open that door! (You gotta!)
I can't! I can't! I just can't open that door! (You gotta!)
I can't! No, no! I can't do it!
Should I open it? (Yeah!)
Should I open the door? (Yeah!)
Is someone outside? (Yeah!)
Well, maybe I should answer it then.
But first I just have to ask,
Who's at the door? Who wants to come inside?
I said, who's at the door? Now don't stand out there and hide.
Is it Sam or Joe or Fran or Bill or Bob or Clyde?
Who's at the door?

Tahj Mowry

Tahj Mowry, you wacky swinging cat!
Tahj Mowry, Tahj Mowry, would you like fries with that?
Mr. Tahj Mowry, now welcome to the Weird Al Show.

What's with the Singing?

What's with the singing? He really wants to know.
What's with the singing? It irritates him so.
What's with the singing?

Why Don't We Show a Clip Now?

Why don't we show a clip now?
Why don't we show a clip now, man?
Why don't we show a clip now?
Let's show a clip right now.

Jurassic Park

I recall the time they found those fossilized mosquitoes
And before long, they were cloning DNA
Now I'm being chased by some irate velociraptors
Well, believe me... this has been one lousy day

Jurassic Park is frightening in the dark
All the dinosaurs are running wild
Someone shut the fence off in the rain
I admit it's kinda eerie
But this proves my chaos theory
And I don't think I'll be coming back again
Oh no

I cannot approve of this attraction
'Cause getting disemboweled always makes me kinda mad
A huge tyrannosaurus ate our lawyer
Well, I suppose that proves... they're really not all bad

Jurassic Park is frightening in the dark
All the dinosaurs are running wild
Someone let T. Rex out of his pen
I'm afraid those things'll harm me
'Cause they sure don't act like Barney
And they think that I'm their dinner, not their friend
Oh no

Jurassic Park is frightening in the dark
All the dinosaurs are running wild
What a crummy weekend this has been
Well, this sure ain't no E-ticket
Think I'll tell 'em where to stick it
'Cause I'm never coming back this way again
Oh no... oh no

Why Did You Come on This Stupid Show?

Why did you come (Why did you come) on this stupid show? (This stupid show)
Everyone watching (Everyone watching) would sure like to know. (Sure like to know)

I Made You into a Freak

I made you into a freak.
You're the freakiest thing I've seen all week.
I may be an accordion playing geek,
But my friend, you're a full-fledged freak!
And I'm not kidding, I made you into a big, fat freak!

I Quit

I quit; I quit; I quit!


Episode #3608: The Competition

Headline News

Once, there was this kid who
Took a trip to Singapore and brought along his spray paint.
And when he finally came back,
He had cane marks all over his bottom.
He said that it was from when
The warden whacked it so hard.
Mmm mmm mmm mmm. Mmm mmm mmm mmm.

Once there was this girl who
Swore that one day she would be a figure skating champion.
And when she finally made it,
She saw some other girl who was better.
And so she hired some guy to
Club her in the kneecap.
Mmm mmm mmm mmm. Mmm mmm mmm mmm.
Mmm mmm mmm mmm. Mmm mmm mmm mmm.

They got paid for their sound bites,
And sold their TV movie rights.

And then, there was this guy who
Made his wife so mad one night that she cut off his weiner.
And when he finally came to,
He found that Mr. Happy was missing.
He couldn't quite explain it,
It'd always just been there.
Mmm mmm mmm mmm. Mmm mmm mmm mmm.
Mmm mmm mmm mmm. Mmm mmm mmm mmm.

Ahh ahh ahh ahh. Ahh ahh ahh ahh.
Ahh ahh ahh ahh. Ahh ahh ahh ahh.


Episode #3609: Time Machine

Yoda

I met him in a swamp down in Dagoba,
Where it bubbles all the time like a giant carbonated soda.
S-O-D-A, soda.
I saw the little runt sitting there on a log.
I asked him his name, and in a raspy voice he said, "Yoda."
Y-O-D-A, Yoda. Yo Yo Yo Yo Yoda.

Well, I've been around, but I ain't never seen
A guy who looks like a Muppet, but he's wrinkled and green.
Oh, my Yoda. Yo Yo Yo Yo Yoda.

Well, I'm not dumb, but I can't understand
How he can lift me in the air just by raising his hand.
Oh, my Yoda. Yo Yo Yo Yo Yoda. Yo Yo Yo Yo Yoda.

Well, I left home just a week before,
And I've never ever been a Jedi before.
But Obi Wan, he set me straight, of course.
He said, "Go to Yoda and he'll show you the Force!"

Well I'm not the kind that would argue with Ben,
So it looks like I'm gonna start all over again
With my Yoda. Yo Yo Yo Yo Yoda. Yo Yo Yo Yo Yoda.
Yoda. Yo Yo Yo Yo Yoda. Yo Yo Yo Yo Yoda.

So I used the Force.
I picked up a box.
I lifted some rocks
While I stood on my head.
Well, I won't forget what Yoda said.

He said,"Luke, stay away from the darker side,
And if you start to go astray, let the Force be your guide."
Oh, my Yoda. Yo Yo Yo Yo Yoda.
"I know Darth Vader's really got you annoyed,
But remember, if you kill him then you'll be unemployed."
Oh, my Yoda. Yo Yo Yo Yo Yoda.

Well, I heard my friends really got in a mess,
So I'm gonna have to leave Yoda, I guess.
But I know that I'll be coming back some day.
I'll be palying this part till I'm old and gray.
The long-term contract that I had to sign
Says I'll be making these movies till the end of time,
With my Yoda. Yo Yo Yo Yo Yoda. Yo Yo Yo Yo Yoda.

Yoda. Yo Yo Yo Yo Yoda. Yo Yo Yo Yo Yoda.
Yoda. Yo Yo Yo Yo Yoda. Yo Yo Yo Yo Yoda.

Yoda. Yo Yo Yo Yo Yoda. Yo Yo Yo Yo Yoda.
Yoda. Yo Yo Yo Yo Yoda. Yo Yo Yo Yo Yoda.

Yoda. Yo Yo Yo yo Yoda. Yo Yo Yo Yo Yoda.
Yoda. Yo Yo Yo yo Yoda. Yo Yo Yo Yo Yoda.


Episode #3610: Al Gets Robbed

Money for Nothing/Beverly Hillbillies

Beverly.
Beverly Hillbillies.

Huh, Now, looka here, people, listen to my story,
A little story 'bout a man named Jed.
You know somethin', that poor mountaineer,
They say he barely kept his family fed.
Now lemme tell ya, one day he was shootin'.
Ol' Jed was shootin' at some food.
When all of a sudden, right up from the ground there,
Well, there came a bubblin' crude.

Oil, that is. Well, maybe you call it
Black gold or Texas tea-e-e-e-e-e.
He gonna move next to Mr. Drysdale,
And be a Beverly Hillbilly.

Before you know it, all the kinfolk are a-sayin',
Yeah, Buddy, move away from there.
That litle Clampett got his own cee-ment pond.
That little Clampett, he's a millionaire.

Now everyone said, "Californy
Is the place that you oughta be".
We got to load up this here truck now.
We got to move to Beverly.
Hills, that is.
Swimmin' pools,
Move-a-move-a-movie stars.
Huh, looka that looka that.
(beverly, beverly, beverly hillbilly)
Y'all come back now, hear?
(beverly, beverly, beverly hillbilly)
(beverly, beverly, beverly hillbilly)
(beverly, beverly, beverly hillbilly)


Episode #3611: Al Plays Hooky

You Don't Love Me Anymore

We've been together for so very long.
But now things are changing, oh I wonder what's wrong?
Seems you don't want me around.
The passion is gone and the flame's died down.

I guess I lost a little bit of self-esteem,
That time that you made it with the whole hockey team.
You used to think I was nice,
Now, you tell all your friends that I'm the anti-christ.

Oh, why did you disconnect the brakes on my car?
That kind of thing is hard to ignore.
Got a funny feeling you don't love me anymore.

I knew that we were having problems when,
You put those piranhas in my bathtub again.
You're still the light of my life.
Oh, darlin', I'm beggin', won't you put down that knife?

You know I even think it's kinda cute, the way,
You poison my coffee just a little each day.
I still remember the way that you laughed,
When you pushed me down the elevator shaft.

Oh, if you don't mind me askin',
What's this poisonous cobra doing in my underwear drawer?
Sometimes I get to thinking, you don't love me anymore.

You slammed my face down on the barbecue grill.
Now my scars are all healing but my heart never will.
You set my house on fire.
You pulled out my chest-hairs with an old pair of pliers.

Oh, you think I'm ugly and you say I'm cheap.
You shaved off my eyebrows while I was asleep.
You drilled a hole in my head.
Then you dumped me in a drainage ditch and left me for dead.

Oh, you know this really isn't like you at all.
You never acted this way before.
Honey, something tells me you don't love me anymore.
Oh no no.
Got a funny feeling you don't love me anymore.


Episode #3612: Talent Show

UHF

Put down your remote control, throw out your TV guide.
Put away your jacket, there's no need to go outside.
Don't you know that we control the horizontal.
We control the vertical, too.
We gonna make a couch potato out of you.
That's what we're goin' to do, now.

Don't change the channel, don't touch that dial.
We got it all on UHF.
Kick off your sneakers 'n' stick around for awhile.
(We got it all) on UHF.
Don't worry 'bout your laundry, forget about your job.
Just crank up the volume and yank off the knob.
We got it all, (we got it all) We got it all on UHF.

Disconnect the phone, now, leave the dishes in the sink.
You better put away your homework, prime time ain't no time to think.
All you do is make yourself a TV dinner.
Press your face right up against the screen.
We gonna show you things you ain't ever seen.
If you know what I mean, now.

Don't change the channel, don't touch that dial.
We got it all on UHF.
Kick off your sneakers 'n' stick around for awhile.
(We got it all) on UHF.
Don't worry 'bout your laundry, forget about your job.
Just crank up your volume and yank off your knob.
We got it all, (we got it all) We got it all on UHF.

You can watch us all day, you can watch us all night.
You can watch us any time that you please.
You can sit around and stare at the picture tube
Till your brain turns to cottage cheese.

Well, now, don't change the channel, don't touch that dial.
(We got it all on UHF.)
Kick off your sneakers 'n' stick around for awhile.
(We got it all) on UHF.
Don't worry 'bout your laundry, forget about your job.
You gotta crank up the volume, yank off the knob.
We got it all, (we got it all) We got it all on UHF.

(We got it all on UHF) UHF (We got it all on UHF) UHF
(We got it all on UHF) UHF (We got it all on UHF) We got it all
(We got it all on UHF) on UHF (We got it all on UHF) UHF
(We got it all on UHF) UHF (We got it all on UHF) We got it all,
we got it all (We got it all on UHF) UHF
(We got it all on UHF) We got it all, we got it all
(We got it all on UHF) UHF


Episode #3613: The Obligatory Holiday Episode

The Kitty Song

I'm a little kitty. Meow! Meow!
I'm a little kitty. Meow! Meow!
When I'm dirty, I lick my fur.
When I'm happy, I purr purr purr.
Oh, I'm a little kitty. Meow! Meow!
I'm a little kitty. Meow! Meow!
Kitties all day and kitties all night.
Kitties to the left and kitties to the right.
I'm a little kitty. Meow! Meow!


The Unofficial Weird Al Show Home Page Mail me your thoughts!